People Pleasing : A side effect of emotional inheritance.

Have you ever come across an individual who goes painstakingly out of their way to just keep someone happy? Mind you, I’m not talking about someone in a romantic setup but just a mere colleague, someone you’ve just met on the streets or perhaps even yourself.

Being someone who aims only at the utmost satisfaction of others sounds like a very naive thing. However, it is a pattern of intrinsic behaviour puzzled with problems, as much for the enforcer as for their audience; the people-pleaser is someone who feels they have no option but to mould themselves to the expectations of others and yet spews at times with unhappiness and resentments. They act like the perfect person when their real feelings are far darker; they give their assent to plans they hate; and they confuse everyone around them by failing to express, in due time, with the requisite courage, their authentic needs and ambitions.

Stating it directly we could say that a people-pleaser is a liar. It might sound rather curt, but a people-pleaser is lying for piteous reasons: not in order to gain advantage, but because they are terrified of the infuriation or displeasure of others.

In order to appreciate – and genuinely sympathise with such an individual, we can start with one of the most fundamental questions of psychotherapy, "What was your childhood like?". More often than not, individuals who are considered people-pleasers would recall premature experiences of being around people – usually any authoritative figure – who might've been ghastly critical of their behaviours as a child. People who tend to shower them with love only when they conform to their expectations and beliefs. Anything that challenges said expectations often being met with harsh comments or volcanic rage.

To be frank about our feelings and be able to suggest when you want something different is what enables a child to develop a strong sense of self. However, if one is constantly scrutinised for prioritising their feelings and wants they soon adapt by putting the needs of others first. They develop a false sense of self-esteem, love and care that is dependent on the validation from others.

The very question of what we really wanted became secondary to an infinitely more important question: Who were we to question our loved ones & Why would we willingly do something that might upset someone we cared for? Which is probably why we don’t always lie out of fear; but rather out of love and respect for others especially someone we are extremely attached to or to avoid causing further disappointment to those around you in anyway, maybe due to another marital row, or by upsetting a depressive parent or worsening an already difficult or sad situation. However, at the very core of these seemingly altruistic behaviours is the need for love and acceptance.

While many remain oblivious to the origins of such behaviour it is important that we reflect upon our lived experiences and its impact on our actions. Especially behaviours that stems from a long history of emotional neglect and pain one may have inherited from their childhood. Identifying traumatic experiences for what it is and making peace with the effects of it is a crucial step in our healing and towards changing our nature for the better.

To overcome these innate feelings, reminding ourselves that our colleagues, partners and friends are entirely very different from the people around whom our anxieties evolved in childhood is crucial. As a child we weren't equipped to catch the subtle nuances of being able to express a dissident opinion. We didn’t know how to craft our raw pain and needs into convincing explanations. Most humans can cope quite well with a bit of contradiction, a dose of unwelcome criticism or an occasional rejection, delivered with politeness. People are not going to explode or dissolve, we're built stronger than that. We can reject while indicating that we truly sympathise. We can leave someone, while ensuring they realise how much a relationship meant to us. We must stop the habit of relating to the world around a group of people who were not representative of humanity as a whole.

We also need to acknowledge the inadvertently toxic side-effects of our nature inflicted upon ourselves. We may genuinely have the purest of intentions, but we are essentially jeopardising everyone by not speaking more frankly. Especially at work, we aren’t doing anyone a service by withholding our doubts and reservations. And in love, there is no kindness in staying in a relationship simply because it seems the other might not survive without us. It instead may turn into an almost parasitic and co-dependant love.

Finally, we can always learn the confidence to be artful and mindful about expressing and having particularly difficult conversations. The power of saying "NO" perhaps will always remain your greatest asset not because of the strength it gives your true self but also because you owe it to remain honest and truthful to one person at all phases of life; YOURSELF!

by Deepika Manjunath